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I am reading too much into this, I know. I had such great hopes for the beginning of 2009 and now I am hesitant with every day passing. Firstly, had some family issues at the beginning of the year...normal..nothing to get too excited about. But then my brother died. You know, after losing other siblings, a parent, aunts, uncles cousins and a dear friend and her unborn baby in the last 8 years, you would think that I would have thicker skin but I don't. He was my oldest brother, by 20 years, but it didn't make it any easier.

He named me. Isn't that cool? The oldest, named the youngest. Admittedly he named me after an exgirlfriend, but hey..I like the name!

My kids were pallbearers and honorary pallbearers...they both accepted the request with honor. They are growing so fast. It was the first time in a long time that I saw them cry and it made me realize that even though they were growing up, they were still my sons.


I can't get my head out of my ass. I am having a hard time breaking my depression right now. I have zero energy, I have no desire to visit people I care about....I need to figure out how to snap out of this. I hope I cma able to get out of this soon.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed

2009 - Its been a while since I have been on here but I am going to try to be more diligent this year. I think I need to be able to focus some of my thoughts in this manner! How has the year been so far? Fine I think. It has been a interesting because my inlaws have been here since Dec. 21st and will continue to be here until about the 7th..which is mine and Stace's 8 year anniversary. 8 years...wow...that is kinda crazy! lol. I am looking forward to time by myself. I have become very comfortable hanging at home alone. I guess I am not really alone...I have my puppy!

Its my sister's birthday today. I always wonder...would we be close if she were alive? Would she be the cool aunt for my kids? I can see her doing that. I think sometimes she is the missing link in my family. I think our family would be closer if she were alive because she always made an effort to bring people together. 2009 - I think it is going to be a year of change - good or bad. I will be ready!

When will men get it?

After 4 years of being together, when I say "Nothing is wrong. I just have a lot to think about " one should know it means "I am currently planning your demise and trying to figure out where to hide the body without leaving any evidence for those CSI people so you better start kissing my ass".

Stress is a shitty thing. Good or bad, I don't like it. Just tackle one fire at a time right? This depression comes and goes. Its here right now. I think I can handle it, but really, I am sick of the fight. My kids came home tonight. It was so nice. I need to stay strong for them. I don't have the luxury of losing it. It would be self serving anyways and what would be accomplished? On the upside, someone thought I was 27. I should have kissed her, but she might have liked it too much! haaa

I can do this.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: commercial music

One of my dreams almost came true....weird.

Oh, I have to decide between 3 jobs. I do not like deciding. What the fuck??? I think I am going to have to consult the stars on this one. I will sleep on it ( alcohol induced, of course!). Being grown up is hard. Ug.

I am going to try to be positive...wish me luck! I am positive my ass is gonna spread like a crepe...

Maybe I better try again.

Current Mood: sillysilly
Current Music: no friggin clue

I have a problems with dreams. The ones I remember have a nasty habit of coming true and the ones I remember are rarely nice.

Last night I dreamt (is that correct?) I was at my home by the lake. I think my kids were at my mom's house, but they went to visit someone on the other community. I was driving a jeep, with someone but I don't remember who. The water from the lake and rivers began to rise. I wasn't too worried about it because they rise in the summer (oh ya, it was in the summer or late spring). I can't remember much, but I do remember panicking because I couldn't outrun the water. For some reason I decided my grandma's house would be the safest because there was a boat there. Just before I was going to turn into my Grandma's house the water overcame my jeep. It was too deep and it died. I had to escape from the window. I swam/walked to my grandmas house which was almost overcome with water. I had to get to my kids and I tried to tackle the lake. Then I woke up.

The WAC Dam is very close to my mom's house. They say it won't adversly affect the area if the dam were to burst, but I have my doubts. Oh, it began to rain in my dream and what really bothers me is that I don't know if I made it to my kids. This is one dream that bothers me a lot. I will have to think about this more.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: commercial music

We went to my neice's on Friday and it was a lovely visit. I am trying to be more social with my family, but it really takes time. I called to confirm we could stay the night and Dan said she had no clean towels or anything and she was going to do laundry. I was relaying the message to Stace and Caelan pipes up. "Is her laundry so bad that she has a bunch of flies hanging around?" Funny shit. The kids had fun with their cousins while Stace and I shopped. We didn't get a lot because my car can't carry that much, but I did pick up a new liquor (can we say 12 steps?). Its a honey liquor and I have NO idea of what I am gonna put it in, but it was pretty! I need to start working out more. My body is protesting bigtime and I am sick of being fat and unhealthy. But it takes a lot of work and I am very lazy! I better go clean my house, that is kinda scary too.

Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: take down 3 (xbox game)

I am going to GP today. I really don't want to drive, but I am hoping the roads are half assed good. I am such a wuss. I haven't done any highway driving in a while! We will spend some "quality time" with my neice and her family which makes my kids happy because they don't see their cousins very often. I better tidy up my house for Jennipurrr! What colour pillows do you want? Black? White? I don't know what else would match with green...ORANGE!!! okay, back to cleaning house!


I thought I would do a check of my credit to make sure everything was on par. Welllll it wasn't. One company was reporting properly and the other had several discrepencies that, I am sure, affected my credit. Its a set up I tell you. Damn them.. Well the kinda good thing is I called the companies and asked them to change the comments and they said they would. I guess I will have to pay another $20+ in a few months to make sure they did.

Its amazing what a few months of stupidity and no money can do to your financial life.

I am perpetually tired. If I didn't know any better I would think I was pregnant. But no, I am just lethargic! Maybe my blood is thickening with this -35 to -40 weather we are experiencing. No wonder our people fought other tribes. I'd be trying to claim some land on the coast too.

I got into "trouble" from Jennipurr for not posting enough (lol) so I thought I better put something in for entertainment (loosely defined, of course); however, no matter how I cut it, I cannot make it interesting! I have a very boring life these days.

Oh, but I can tell you several people think I should take this job offer to reorganize an office. It may provide some other opportunities, but I don't know if I can do it. I am a working stiff in a retiree's body. I am going to take the weekend to sort out my options. Besides, I am still waiting to hear about the other job I interviewed for. I don't really know what I want.

As always I have been thinking about relationships. Why they exist, the pros and cons of being in one. The evolution/devolution of relationships. Complex shit. Maybe I will write more when I can make more sense of my thoughts. Time for CSI (alas, I am a hopeless junkie!)

have a peachy night.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: that's what I like about you

My interview is on the phone at 11 am today. I cannot believe how nervous I am! I should have a few beers before I get on the phone since they won't be able to smell my breath!

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